Dear "Bro's" AKA douchebags

I fucking hate you, you know who you are. You drive around in lifted trucks regardless of the fact that you've never taken that shit off road ever, not even once.
You make sure everyone knows you're there by blasting your poorly calibrated sound system with the latest bullshit mass media music you can find.
Every other word out of your mouth is "Bro".
I was at Albertsons minding my own business when I overheard the following conversation between two bro's which happened upon each other in the wild.
"Yo Bro, I was out this weekend on the dunes driving my Ford, man I was just driving so hard! oh man I was driving in my Ford bro! I saw a guy in a Nissan! If I was in a Nissan I would be like dooo driving in a Nissan ooh oooh man what a fag!"
I think the conversation went on but thinking quickly I jammed some individually packaged cheese slices into my ears to keep what was left of my brain from dribbling out onto the ground.

You see, like any other dumb animal when one Bro happens upon another in the wild they have to establish their dominance because the sight of another Bro that isn't in their pod (Pods, that's what a group of Bro's is called) it's automatically assumed to be a challenge.
The one with the bigger queerer looking perfectly angled hat, barbed wire or tribal tat and the hottest bleached blond bro'hoe on the arm wins and the loser is emasculated.

I don't make this shit up. I am convinced that Bro's are not really physical beings but more like physical manifestations of where the quantum stupid spectrum of light intersects with this universe and hit an otherwise standard redneck.

Dear Maintenance Crew...

Look, I know you don't like your job. I somehow doubt too many people wake up one morning before heading off to 7th grade and say to themselves "Man I hope I get to become a janitor when I grow up"
Infact I've only known 1 person like that in my entire life and I'm pretty sure he was retarded.
Back too my point.
When you put the fucking toilet paper on the roll and lock the fucker up in it's plastic hyperbolic conservation chamber, kindly fucking unroll a little wouldn't you?
These things weren't designed to allow easy access too the paper so when you put it on the god damned roll and lock it up like your ugly child you don't want anyone to know you had with your cousin. It's fucking locked in there man! We can't easily reach up in there and begin the unrolling process!
I had to rip the shit up to get it started and you better believe I liked leaving THAT mess on the ground for you to clean up!

I know it seems like I'm writing a lot about the toilet facilities here but really I'm just getting started so shut your ugly fucking mouth.

Auto Flush Toilets...

Fuck you, you over achieving asshole! I just sit down and you are rushing me to get off by flushing prematurely and spraying me with shitwater! I'm constantly forced to MacGyver blinders from the garbage they call toilet paper just to use the toilet in peace! I hope you and the person that designed you go to a hell specifically designed for the two of you. One where everything is automatically a dick like you are.
TV's will automatically turn themselves off when you turn them on to conserve electricity. Sink faucets will turn themselves off before you can get a drink of water to conserve water and once every 30 minutes you're sprayed with shitwater directly in your ugly face.




While we're on the subject.

Dear Mr WWII Surplus toilet paper..
You're too fragile to just rip off, you have to be coddled, pulled on gentlly. Many times your roll is too big for your plastic prison making you impossible to roll on the cardboard tube your on so I have to stick my hand up inside that shit and turn it by hand to get any paper from you.
Once I've got a sufficient amount pulled from your roll when I go to tear off a strip you rip FUCKING VERTICALLY ALONG THE DAMN STRIP!



And so that's what pissed me off today, stay tuned for another adventure of 'What's pissing Jason off'. Same BatTime same BatChannel.